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Friday, 21 November 2008

Sunday, 10 August 2008

  • Currently Listening
    Flesh & Fears
    By Wolftron
    Sugar Skulls
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    Open your eyes....

    So I turned 21 with much fanfare. I'm kind of glad its over with. I got many memorable presents which I all value dearly... but there's this one present...

    Its probably one of the cheapest presents I've ever gotten for a birthday but when I got it I had to fight back the most idiotic smile. It wasn't wrapped, just some cheap burned CD but the cover simply made me giddy.

    "Happy Birthday Naoms"

    It wasn't a typo. Its what he calls me. And it reduced me to an idiot for the remainder of the evening and for the next day when in my hungover state, I listened to it in the dark and low volume. I try my hardest not too read too much into it but all the songs are about eyes and love and it all being unrequited and how smoking is bad for you and seizing a chance to express affection and I just... keep trying to tell myself all songs are about that in one way or another. But I'd give up a lot for him to not be so obtuse and understand how I feel. How I've felt.

    Needless to say I cried that night. I was upset for being an idiot to him and him still not understanding my advances and him just generally afraid of dating and girls in general. I was angry with myself for not standing up for myself and waiting for me to get so worked up. I had lost my patience with his whole asking me for dating advice for other girls when he doesn't date. And I was annoyed with myself for giving him smile like a buffoon when he said I was pretty. And that our kids would be gorgeous.

    I didn't make that up. He was drinking too.

    I feel like I've been waiting for this perfect moment to tell him. How will I know?

Thursday, 31 July 2008

  • Currently Listening
    Alright, Still
    By Lily Allen
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    I cannot wait for school to begin. As much as I try to mask it with a keen sense of style and a seemingly infinite library of the cool new hipster terms... at the core, I'm a dork. It doesn't help that I've been absorbing the Harry Potter books in the last few days like its freaking crack. I'm going for the gold, 3 books in less than 3 weeks. Actually by "less than three weeks" I really mean 4 days. But whatever, who's counting?

    I've already begun to pack my bookbag with all the nifty new school supplies I've purchased on this tax-free weekend (woot WOOT!) like I'm my own mother and I am also, simultaneously, myself at 4 years old. I bought all these cool bathroom things so that they're all neatly stowed away in my gymbag so I have more of an incentive to get off my ass and make it to the gym every morning at the crack of dawn so as not to be... you know... a whale.

    Also, perhaps not so secretly, I've begun another battle with depression. Though this bout is not such much of a crippling ambush as before, I still feel the effects of the fight. The medicine makes me feel like my heart's about to explode and that blood is coursing through my veins at the speed of light but regardless, I'm trying my best to stick it out and give it a shot. Its better than feeling like shit I suppose.

    Ah what I wouldn't give to just be free as a bird. Soaring through the clouds and enjoy the breeze whipping my face as I tear through a summer day in what we affectionatly term "Hotlanta". Just to watch people go about thier respective days obeying the laws of physics and remaining firmly planted on the groud while I cut through the panorama as I please.

    Or maybe a fish... perhaps I'm just thirsty. Whatev.

Sunday, 20 July 2008

  • Yep. Thats me... a good friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

    Getting high and getting drunk isn't me. Regardless I did partake in illicit substances tonight. People's lips get looser and they say things I probably would never ever want to know. As a result... I've never felt uglier. The topic of the evening was the gorgeousness of my friend and though we all know her I just felt, by comparison, like a "lesser" you know? So I sobered up... took my friend home and the entire way back I just ruminated on the state of myself. What if I'm not pretty? I mean... by comparison to my friends? What if I'm they girl they have around so they all look eons nicer?

    And why do I hang out with such freakishly good-looking people?

    I can't wait to talk to someone about these fucking swings in mental states. And my lack of focus. And my utter inability to just concentrate on what I really want to say. It's like I know I'm upset now and that it won't make a difference maybe in 2 days but in my mind, I can't seem to make sense of this.

    The mind races at the thoughts of all the things I've done
    But moving so fast I can't pluck an idea out of the noise
    The ideas of how and why things happen in my life
    So I never learn
    I sit stagnant
    Sentenced to a life of futility.

Saturday, 19 July 2008

  • So I picked up my room. I wish I could just make it immaculate though... freakishly clean. I don't have the kind of focus for that though. If at all possible I'd like the focus to do that and any leftover focus I would use to be able to run 5 miles in 30 minutes. I'd like the cajones to live on my own and to study abroad. I'd also greatly appreciate the courage to be more assertive and explain to people that when I say I can't do something, they would internalize it and understand that I meant exactly what I said not "maybe I can make an exception for you."

    My ankle wound itches. I sliced it off and its now at the itchy healing part.

    Everyone knows about the boy I like now. Could I be more of a 12 year old? I can't believe it... what am I going to do? Work relationships are messy and this couldn't get any messier.

    I've never felt more grown up in my life. This messy life... its complicated but would I actually want to get rid of this? I pay my own bills, I go to work on time, I'm accountable for the stuff I choose to do. We'll see how I turn out.


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thats_that_one_girl

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    • Name: Naomi
    • Country: United States
    • State: Georgia
    • Metro: Atlanta
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 9/7/2005

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